Post by pierce on Sept 25, 2016 0:28:18 GMT
Each and every time Toni smiled at him, Clay felt almost as if the water was tightening around his waist – holding him in place just so he wouldn't miss the next one to come. But he pushed through, easing himself into the depths and acclimating to the feel of it. He thought of how the water felt, if it could, to be the what she parted and glided through. The thought of how if he were the water she swam in, how it would feel arose in his mind. A strangeness, unfamiliar but welcome came along with these thoughts as she spoke - her words traveling through him and the water they occupied.
Clay cracked a faint smile. “It's like that for a few months. Longer if you don't practice every day. It's like having to learn to walk all over again. I think.” he replied, enjoying how she seemed to be impressed by something that he'd just learned by himself, completely alone. It crossed his mind that there were many other things that could impress her, like having some kind of winning trophy or a medal of commendation... but though he had none of those and probably never would, she was still as genuine. So innocent to praise him in his personal accomplishment, for him just being who he was - who she saw him as.
He kept glancing over to her as he continued to navigate from the shallow and toward the middle of the pool, his train of thought ceaseless – imagining the water around her hands and fingers, torso and toes, around each strand of hair held back so slick by her ponytail. Clay spoke along, the topic of loneliness definitely not fit for actually being in her company. Being alone and overlooked was Clay's norm, it was more strange of him to 'hang out'. Surely it wasn't 'hanging out' when he was with Lucian, it was another form of companionship entirely – one that was only as casual as their worst inclinations were at the time. There was a drastic difference between Lucian's and Toni's company. They were, essentially, opposite sides of the spectrum. They both had their own pros and cons – though the main con about any sort of camaraderie with Toni was Lucian's ever discovering its existence. Everything else about right now felt like a pro.
Hearing the words turn uncertain in midair turned Clay's lips upward, he could feel her shying away as if he were doing it himself. He nodded, understanding completely, even though she clearly couldn't see the nod itself. His eyes flashed against the water as he looked directly upon her, looking away with that tenseness to her jawline. “I know what you mean. It's not bad. I think it helps, more than being someone who's always looking for something in other people. They'll never find what they're looking for. If they do, they'll just- ” he stopped himself, shifting his stance slightly and pondering the water that readjusted so fluidly “-They don't matter. If you feel better alone, you're doing yourself a big favor. I've accepted being alone. I guess that's how I don't know what loneliness really feels like. When I'm by myself I feel more real.” Clay found himself actually humbled by getting all of those words out, smiling once she claimed that he was nothing to be afraid of. Too many people would and could beg to differ. Yet they had no faces now, not as clear and defined as Toni's was to him. “Thank you. That makes you the first.”
Clay segued in to his lesson and practice, his trial and error in the waters that he was growing increasingly comfortable in. Time after time, he found himself getting better. There was no doubt about it, his preferred method of learning was through repetition. He had known this within a year of his isolation. He couldn't depend on his brother, he had to be resourceful, his brother could be outsmarted. All lessons learned in Clay's observation. His brother misplaced so many things that it wasn't strange if a few extra things went missing – to him it meant he'd been too burnt out to remember what the hell he did with anything. Clay had used this to his benefit, and to Gordon's own fatal disadvantage.
He kept it up with a dedication that even surprised him a little, his confidence bolstered considerably with her nod of approval. Clay could feel the weight of his shirt add to his volume, but he wasn't deterred by it much, especially after a few more tries. It was tempting, the thought of taking off his shirt to feel the water against his bare chest but he knew to resist. Though she had no real reason to be afraid of him now, that may be subject to change too easily. With how smoothly things were going, Clay just wanted to keep it that way.
He listened to her compliment him, for the first time feeling a heat rise to his face as she again admitted that she was impressed. Halting his practice and looking over to her, he noticed the rosy tinge across her cheeks. Clay felt odd, in a good way, probably in the best way actually - he felt flattered and though his brain was inclined to doubt her words - he even moreso wanted to soak them all in. "No one has said that to me before... that I impress them. So I don't mind. You could say it all the time, if you wanted. I still wouldn't mind," he looked down for a moment at the water's surface, its fluid movement a comfort to his eyes before he let himself drift backwards and in to practice again. He knew he could do better, be more controlled, even with the waterlogged shirt clinging to his torso. Floating upon the surface was like lapsing in to a peaceful memory, like being five or six years old - floating still in the tub and letting the water lap against his ears. "I feel young again," he said in response to her questions. There was the briefest moment that he even felt like none of what happened in his adolescence actually happened, as if that were the dream and reality had been the opposite of what it really was. He felt, in that dreamlike thought, that he could accomplish anything - there was nothing holding him back. But, that thought didn't last long at all.
Clay felt himself begin to sink, the weight of his experience all piling on to him at once. Before he knew it he was underwater again, resurfacing stoically enough but a part of him felt the disappointment. He'd never be normal, not really, not without medication. Clay exhaled a sigh through his nostrils, his lost gaze flickering from the distance and back to Toni - who still looked proud of him regardless of the slip in his focus. It was the greatest consolation. "when I'm floating like that, it feels like I'm more than what I am. Like I could be anything. Does that make sense?" he asked, his attention trained upon her face - gauging her answer from her features - watching the words form behind her eyes.
Clay cracked a faint smile. “It's like that for a few months. Longer if you don't practice every day. It's like having to learn to walk all over again. I think.” he replied, enjoying how she seemed to be impressed by something that he'd just learned by himself, completely alone. It crossed his mind that there were many other things that could impress her, like having some kind of winning trophy or a medal of commendation... but though he had none of those and probably never would, she was still as genuine. So innocent to praise him in his personal accomplishment, for him just being who he was - who she saw him as.
He kept glancing over to her as he continued to navigate from the shallow and toward the middle of the pool, his train of thought ceaseless – imagining the water around her hands and fingers, torso and toes, around each strand of hair held back so slick by her ponytail. Clay spoke along, the topic of loneliness definitely not fit for actually being in her company. Being alone and overlooked was Clay's norm, it was more strange of him to 'hang out'. Surely it wasn't 'hanging out' when he was with Lucian, it was another form of companionship entirely – one that was only as casual as their worst inclinations were at the time. There was a drastic difference between Lucian's and Toni's company. They were, essentially, opposite sides of the spectrum. They both had their own pros and cons – though the main con about any sort of camaraderie with Toni was Lucian's ever discovering its existence. Everything else about right now felt like a pro.
Hearing the words turn uncertain in midair turned Clay's lips upward, he could feel her shying away as if he were doing it himself. He nodded, understanding completely, even though she clearly couldn't see the nod itself. His eyes flashed against the water as he looked directly upon her, looking away with that tenseness to her jawline. “I know what you mean. It's not bad. I think it helps, more than being someone who's always looking for something in other people. They'll never find what they're looking for. If they do, they'll just- ” he stopped himself, shifting his stance slightly and pondering the water that readjusted so fluidly “-They don't matter. If you feel better alone, you're doing yourself a big favor. I've accepted being alone. I guess that's how I don't know what loneliness really feels like. When I'm by myself I feel more real.” Clay found himself actually humbled by getting all of those words out, smiling once she claimed that he was nothing to be afraid of. Too many people would and could beg to differ. Yet they had no faces now, not as clear and defined as Toni's was to him. “Thank you. That makes you the first.”
Clay segued in to his lesson and practice, his trial and error in the waters that he was growing increasingly comfortable in. Time after time, he found himself getting better. There was no doubt about it, his preferred method of learning was through repetition. He had known this within a year of his isolation. He couldn't depend on his brother, he had to be resourceful, his brother could be outsmarted. All lessons learned in Clay's observation. His brother misplaced so many things that it wasn't strange if a few extra things went missing – to him it meant he'd been too burnt out to remember what the hell he did with anything. Clay had used this to his benefit, and to Gordon's own fatal disadvantage.
He kept it up with a dedication that even surprised him a little, his confidence bolstered considerably with her nod of approval. Clay could feel the weight of his shirt add to his volume, but he wasn't deterred by it much, especially after a few more tries. It was tempting, the thought of taking off his shirt to feel the water against his bare chest but he knew to resist. Though she had no real reason to be afraid of him now, that may be subject to change too easily. With how smoothly things were going, Clay just wanted to keep it that way.
He listened to her compliment him, for the first time feeling a heat rise to his face as she again admitted that she was impressed. Halting his practice and looking over to her, he noticed the rosy tinge across her cheeks. Clay felt odd, in a good way, probably in the best way actually - he felt flattered and though his brain was inclined to doubt her words - he even moreso wanted to soak them all in. "No one has said that to me before... that I impress them. So I don't mind. You could say it all the time, if you wanted. I still wouldn't mind," he looked down for a moment at the water's surface, its fluid movement a comfort to his eyes before he let himself drift backwards and in to practice again. He knew he could do better, be more controlled, even with the waterlogged shirt clinging to his torso. Floating upon the surface was like lapsing in to a peaceful memory, like being five or six years old - floating still in the tub and letting the water lap against his ears. "I feel young again," he said in response to her questions. There was the briefest moment that he even felt like none of what happened in his adolescence actually happened, as if that were the dream and reality had been the opposite of what it really was. He felt, in that dreamlike thought, that he could accomplish anything - there was nothing holding him back. But, that thought didn't last long at all.
Clay felt himself begin to sink, the weight of his experience all piling on to him at once. Before he knew it he was underwater again, resurfacing stoically enough but a part of him felt the disappointment. He'd never be normal, not really, not without medication. Clay exhaled a sigh through his nostrils, his lost gaze flickering from the distance and back to Toni - who still looked proud of him regardless of the slip in his focus. It was the greatest consolation. "when I'm floating like that, it feels like I'm more than what I am. Like I could be anything. Does that make sense?" he asked, his attention trained upon her face - gauging her answer from her features - watching the words form behind her eyes.