Post by pierce on Jan 29, 2017 2:23:08 GMT
Clay didn't feel sorry for himself per se, but he did feel a little bit deflated compared to the start of the evening. He hadn't ever talked about his family to anyone but Lucian and his doctors. Though Lucian knew the extent of his brother's treatment, he didn't get to hear how loving his parents had been. The memories just weren't there, a mixture of the medication and his period of trauma seemed to had buried everything good from his grasp - until he found happiness again, in Toni. Before that, everything seemed muddled, everything except Lucian's face and voice - and the echoes of his brother's torment, those sights that both haunted and thrilled him to this day.
He knew that if Toni could see what he had seen, seen what he'd done... she'd be gone. Just like that. Clay wouldn't blame her for that, once a killer - always a killer. Not that he cared about killing or even torturing things as much as his best friend did - all he cared about with concern to Lucian was that he not speak a word about his past. He didn't want to hunt people down, but Lucian did. Clay just needed a friend, someone he didn't have to lie to, but he was stuck in between. His breathing was growing heavy, thinking about his predicament. It was pathetic.
When he felt her hand, the delicate warmth stirred him out of his thoughts and he listened intently to her words - looking down to the two stuffed dinos while she spoke. Clay comprehended her comforting advice slowly, his head eventually turning upwards to meet her eyes again. If she knew, would she be saying all of this? Probably not... but still, he couldn't help but crack a feeble smile. She made him feel better, regardless whether she knew or would ever know.
He nodded against her shoulder, "Right," Clay echoed absently, "guess I'm used to being by myself, it's better that way..." he said, though the words that he spoke felt wrong in her presence. No one would call him a good person if they knew the truth. It wasn't good what he'd done. Necessary, but not good. Clay wanted to be good, he wanted to feel like a child again - if he could feel like he felt when he was in Toni's company, then he could feel like a good person. But there was no way he could be with her 24/7, it was stupid to entertain the notion.
Clay felt as if time was accelerating, as if all sorts of energy was passing through their connection while she was busy encouraging his illustrations. His smile grew. "If I could draw anything right now, I think I'd want to draw you. Like this, close up." He said as his eyes scanned over her face, as if he hadn't looked at her before. He hadn't, not really - not like this. "But I don't think I could really capture your beauty. If I tried and messed up, I don't know - I'd want to practice first. Maybe drawing Suit and Tux. I used to draw a lot of dinosaurs when I would draw every day. I wish I could show you, all of my old sketchpads... but they're gone. I didn't think of keeping them. I guess I was just too distracted with everything else going on."
He knew that if Toni could see what he had seen, seen what he'd done... she'd be gone. Just like that. Clay wouldn't blame her for that, once a killer - always a killer. Not that he cared about killing or even torturing things as much as his best friend did - all he cared about with concern to Lucian was that he not speak a word about his past. He didn't want to hunt people down, but Lucian did. Clay just needed a friend, someone he didn't have to lie to, but he was stuck in between. His breathing was growing heavy, thinking about his predicament. It was pathetic.
When he felt her hand, the delicate warmth stirred him out of his thoughts and he listened intently to her words - looking down to the two stuffed dinos while she spoke. Clay comprehended her comforting advice slowly, his head eventually turning upwards to meet her eyes again. If she knew, would she be saying all of this? Probably not... but still, he couldn't help but crack a feeble smile. She made him feel better, regardless whether she knew or would ever know.
He nodded against her shoulder, "Right," Clay echoed absently, "guess I'm used to being by myself, it's better that way..." he said, though the words that he spoke felt wrong in her presence. No one would call him a good person if they knew the truth. It wasn't good what he'd done. Necessary, but not good. Clay wanted to be good, he wanted to feel like a child again - if he could feel like he felt when he was in Toni's company, then he could feel like a good person. But there was no way he could be with her 24/7, it was stupid to entertain the notion.
Clay felt as if time was accelerating, as if all sorts of energy was passing through their connection while she was busy encouraging his illustrations. His smile grew. "If I could draw anything right now, I think I'd want to draw you. Like this, close up." He said as his eyes scanned over her face, as if he hadn't looked at her before. He hadn't, not really - not like this. "But I don't think I could really capture your beauty. If I tried and messed up, I don't know - I'd want to practice first. Maybe drawing Suit and Tux. I used to draw a lot of dinosaurs when I would draw every day. I wish I could show you, all of my old sketchpads... but they're gone. I didn't think of keeping them. I guess I was just too distracted with everything else going on."